As a kid, my sisters and I were always witches, and we weren’t even in costumes.
On Halloween night, I like to jump out of bushes and scare people. Last year, I jumped out, and the lady yelled, “You almost made me pee my pants!” I answered, “You almost made me pee my pants from laughing.”
Everyone makes fun of their parents. My girls are no exception. If they think I’m being off-the-wall, they pick up an old true crime book I have with Jeffrey Dahmer’s picture on the cover that says, “He was a quiet man who worked in a chocolate factory.” They hold the book up, and one of them acts like a news reporter and says, “She was a quiet woman who did stand-up comedy.”
I could never be a Mormon. I’m selfish — I want my man all to myself or not at all. Can Mormon women have more than one husband? If they could, none of them would like to, because then they wouldn’t be a Mormon — they’d be a moron.
I’m a member of the Daughters of the American Revolution. While doing the family history, I found out I’m related to Annie Oakley. I called my ex-husband to tell him.
“I think I’m a lot like Annie,” I said.
“No, you’re not — Annie rode horses,” he said.
“I can ride a horse,” I said.
“Annie stood up in the stirrups,” he said.
“So did I — in the gynecology office,” I said. “The doctor was yelling, ‘Get down from there! What’s the matter with you?'”
Now that my divorce is final, I realize I love my cat more than I loved that man. I love that cat more than the man I was married to for 41 years because that cat will bury crap — and never bring it up again!
Jere Evans is a local comedian and comedy writer. She lives in Encinitas. Follow her on YouTube at @jereevanscomedy. Read more Instability columns here.
