My divorce will be final in two weeks. This is the most excited I’ve been about anything that involved him in years. I’ll be back on the dating scene.
A while back, I started thinking I should lose some weight. I lost 25 pounds. You can only lie to yourself for so long. I used to tell myself, “You’re not fat. You’re abundant.” If you’re 5-foot-1, but when you lie on your side, you’re 5-foot-6, you’re fat. My nieces and nephews used to call me Aunt Artica.
Biden was in the news this week with a Band-Aid on his forehead. He said it was from skin cancer removal. Personally, I think he used the home lobotomy kit that Trump sent him.
I’m glad the humidity is gone. It makes my hair frizzy. It looks like I have a Brillo pad on my head, or I took a bath with my favorite toaster. I could shave the top of my head, and I’d look like Larry from the Three Stooges.
What is with a lot of women wearing underwear with fake butts? My butt is big enough. If I wore something like that, I’d need a shelf to carry it on. Once I told my ex-husband, “My butt is sagging. I need something to lift my butt.” He said, “How about a crane?”
Recently, I had to get another mammogram. Why don’t men have to get these degrading procedures? They could call it the Man-O-Gram — aka the Nutcracker. Start lining up, fellas.
I have it on good authority that everyone else is a liar.
Jeffrey Dahmer’s parents recently wrote an article. They explained that, being his parents, they stood behind him. Well, sure, they stood behind him. Would you want him behind you?
Jere Evans is a comedian and comedy writer. She lives in Encinitas. You can follow her on YouTube at jereevanscomedy and on Instagram at Jere Evans. Never forget how to laugh!
