Halloween is on its way. I love Halloween — I love the treats, decorations and costumes. You can be anything you want to be.
This year I’m going to be a nudist. I’ll tell the cops, “I’m not naked — this is my costume. If I’m wearing something then I’m not naked (I’m wearing my costume), so you can’t arrest me. Now that you’ve seen me naked, you’ll be in therapy for years.”
I told my ex-husband, “Don’t come over here on Halloween ’cause I’m going to be a nutcracker!”
I just found out the last guy I dated was the other guy who thought the Beatles were talking to him on the White Album.
I was on a flight last week, and it was scary. One hour into the flight, a man was giving the flight attendant a bad time. He was yelling, pulling things out of the overhead rack and choking the woman in front of him. Then he started stomping his feet and holding his breath.
All of this could have been avoided if they had just given him that second bag of peanuts. About 20 minutes later, the plane took a nosedive. Suddenly, we all found religion. The entire cabin broke out into a chorus of “Onward, Christian Soldiers.”
My next thought was that if we crash into water, the woman next to me is going to be used as a flotation device. She started screaming prayers. The guy behind us yelled, “Shut up, Amazing Grace!”
Thank God we had a great pilot. He pulled the plane out of the nosedive. I took a roll of toilet paper out of my carry-on and said, “We’ll start the bidding at $50.”
I saw a man with a very bad toupee. I think he bought it at Spirit Halloween. I was so tempted to ask him, “Can I borrow your toupee? They’re out of toilet paper in the ladies room.”
I’ve mentioned toilet paper twice. Toilet paper is no big deal — till it’s gone.
I’m selfish — I won’t share my man with anyone. I want him all to myself or not at all. Can women have more than one husband? I think they can, but none of them want to.
