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Summer wear’s not my long suit

As summer approaches I face the usual horrible truths. I need to shop for a bathing suit and for summer-weight pants. This is most women’s finest nightmare.

All winter, I can successfully remain in denial about my thick waist, poochy gut, love handles and backside that has continued to creep south until I can now sit without bending my knees.

In winter, I drape myself in forgiving wool and baggy sweaters. Then the weather begins to warm up and things get ugly.

I’m not even overweight. But in one of life’s greatest injustices, that doesn’t seem to really matter when it comes to wrapping my nether portions in something that has to button or is made of nylon and spandex.

Sure, I exercise, but I have no trouble replacing every calorie I might burn in my aerobics class.  Hence, my body shape has remained “tres anjou.” You can’t go around shouting, “I had kids and it was worth it!” all the time. Sometimes you just want to look firm.

I’m also trying to decide, this summer, if it is worth the investment of time and money to just have my entire body waxed from the neck down. It’s not what you think.

My biggest issue is my forearms. In my youth, the hair on my arms was very blond and laid nicely flat. Somehow, somewhere between then and now, my follicles went berserk.

One day, I glanced over and, to my horror, I found I have the arm hair of a swarthy, curly-haired man.

And I am still looking for the bathing suit that meets my “body type” needs. It will have to reach at least to my knees and have an industrial-strength tummy-control panel — and maybe a hood to cover up bad hair and completely block the sun’s rays.

OK designers. I’m waiting. And trust me, I’m not alone.

Jean Gillette is a freelance writer thinking of having her legs tattooed to replicate a road map of Southern California. Contact her at [email protected].