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Small Talk: Husband living long and prospering

OK, Trekkies. Help me out here.

I’m pretty sure I married a Vulcan. OK, he’s like Spock, so half-human, half-Vulcan, but still … If any of this sounds familiar, you too may know one. Oh, they’re out there.

For starters, he has this absolutely unflappable personality, and he sees all things from that uber-logical standpoint. But I need to confirm that Vulcans tend to collect odd junk a human would throw away, then wander off into the wilderness to build stuff.

Well, we know they like to wander off into the wilderness. How much farther into the wilderness can you go than other universes? They live longer than humans and based on how well my husband has aged, that’s a given. He’s so fair, he’s almost translucent, and I recall Spock being pretty pale-faced. My mother-in-law must have had his pointy ears altered at birth.

My spouse seemed pretty human at first, but a few years after we were married, he also drove to Los Angeles every day to work, which right away would kill any average human. He can go a whole day without getting hungry. I can’t go two hours.

But my final proof came when he announced one summer he was building a shack by the Salton Sea. Did I mention that Vulcans evolved from a planet which is mostly desert? And the Salton Sea? Desert. He built a cube-shaped cabin with more junk from our garage. And he painted it silver. So, of course, it could be a spaceship.

Talk about going where no man has gone before. It seems he became intrigued when he heard of the old, deserted military base out there, where one can squat free of charge. It must be Vulcan-like to love solitude and strange characters. He found both in that peculiar settlement of retirees, hoboes and misfits … in the desert.

As soon as I get him to admit he’s part Vulcan, I’m going to insist he teach me how to do a Mind Meld. If nothing else, I need to meld with someone who has a good memory. And I’m going to give him some real grief for not coming clean and using that Vulcan nerve pinch thing all those times the children needed a time-out.

My research continues and, it is, as Spock would have said, “Very interesting.”

Jean Hart Gillette is a freelance writer checking her children for pointy ears. Contact her at [email protected]