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Small Talk: Digging these wheels

Some people want sports cars. Some want muscle cars. Others want luxury cars or even Humvees. Since there seems to be no immediate solutions to our growing traffic jams, I want heavy machinery.

I turned the corner, passed some Day-Glo traffic cones and there it was, calling to me. It was one of those really cool road digger-uppers with a huge saw attached.

There are two models, actually, and I haven’t decided which one really suits my needs best. One has what looks like a giant chainsaw attached, and the other has a big, round buzz saw. They are meant to dig up asphalt, but I feel certain their potential is largely untapped.

Now that I have seen the vehicle of my future, I have allowed my driving fantasies to run amok. When I go to my happy place, I see empty freeway lanes and no traffic lights. I picture cars scattering in every direction as I happily merge into traffic. I envision them parting like a field of wheat before the thresher. Just providing other drivers with the sight of a rolling chainsaw in their rearview mirror should go a long way toward keeping a lane clear.

Right now, I’m not even overly troubled by the fact that my beloved saw-mobile tops out at about 10 miles per hour. During many a rush hour, that would be considered a decent pace. I’ll just take it over to the nearest hot rod shop and see what kind of 12-cylinder engine we can slap in that bad boy.

I’ll need to see what I can do about increasing the seating capacity, as every child I know will want a ride in my buzz buggy. I anticipate bringing in a little extra cash by renting it out for special occasions. It could be sort of a millennium, road-rage alternative to the limousine.

Maybe my attraction to this heavy metal-mobile is an offshoot of watching too many “BattleBots.” While I, careful and calm driver that I am, would, of course, only use my lethal auto defensively, I fear other more aggressive souls would soon be squaring off for a lane dispute with these trench-diggers. That’s not a pretty thought.

I won’t be holding my proverbial breath until one of these wonderful gridlock breakers turns up on my nearby showroom floor. I will, however, continue to lust in my heart for this mother of all 4-wheel drive monsters.

If I can’t have one of these, then I will have my personal staff of scientists continue with all haste toward perfecting some form of anti-gravity, fly-above-the-traffic kind of car — just for me and my close, personal friends.

You’d better start being nice to me now.

Jean Gillette is a freelance writer and impatient driver, who may be coming for you. You can contact her at [email protected].