Some people want sports cars. Some want muscle cars. Others want luxury cars or even Humvees. Since there seems to be no immediate solutions to our growing traffic jams, I want heavy machinery.
I turned the corner, passed some Day-Glo traffic cones and there it was, calling to me. It was one of those really cool road digger-uppers with a huge saw attached.
There are two models, actually, and I haven’t decided which one really suits my needs best. One has what looks like a giant chainsaw attached, and the other has a big, round buzz saw. They are meant to dig up asphalt, but I feel certain their potential is largely untapped.
Now that I have seen the vehicle of my future, I have allowed my driving fantasies to run amok. When I go to my happy place, I see empty freeway lanes and no traffic lights. I picture cars scattering in every direction as I happily merge into traffic. I envision them parting like a field of wheat before the thresher. Just providing other drivers with the sight of a rolling chainsaw in their rearview mirror should go a long way toward keeping a lane clear.
Right now, I’m not even overly troubled by the fact that my beloved saw-mobile tops out at about 10 miles per hour. During many a rush hour, that would be considered a decent pace. I’ll just take it over to the nearest hot rod shop and see what kind of 12-cylinder engine we can slap in that bad boy.
I’ll need to see what I can do about increasing the seating capacity, as every child I know will want a ride in my buzz buggy. I anticipate bringing in a little extra cash by renting it out for special occasions. It could be sort of a millennium, road-rage alternative to the limousine.
Maybe my attraction to this heavy metal-mobile is an offshoot of watching too many “BattleBots.” While I, careful and calm driver that I am, would, of course, only use my lethal auto defensively, I fear other more aggressive souls would soon be squaring off for a lane dispute with these trench-diggers. That’s not a pretty thought.
I won’t be holding my proverbial breath until one of these wonderful gridlock breakers turns up on my nearby showroom floor. I will, however, continue to lust in my heart for this mother of all 4-wheel drive monsters.
If I can’t have one of these, then I will have my personal staff of scientists continue with all haste toward perfecting some form of anti-gravity, fly-above-the-traffic kind of car — just for me and my close, personal friends.
You’d better start being nice to me now.
Jean Gillette is a freelance writer and impatient driver, who may be coming for you. You can contact her at [email protected].