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Happiness is a Popeye’s chicken sandwich and a few tasty sides. Photo by David Boylan
Happiness is a Popeye’s chicken sandwich and a few tasty sides. Photo by David Boylan
ColumnsLick the Plate

LTP fast food favorites

Let me preface this edition of Lick the Plate with my mantra on fast food consumption. I put it in the same category as alcohol and marijuana, moderation and selective consumption only, as everyday use would lead to a life full of health ailments I’d rather avoid.

Ironically, for me, booze and pot use tend to lead to fast food cravings…almost to an obsessive level, so I’ve managed to limit all of the above and keep it together for the most part with regular exercise and healthy eating habits, with room for indulgence on occasion.

That said, most of us have been in situations where the convenience of a fast food chain is just too easy to ignore, given our fast-paced lives. I experience this often when driving around the state of Michigan, where anywhere outside of the major markets, healthy options for a quick bite to eat can be lacking.

I’ve dabbled in them all and thought it would be fun to provide a recap of sorts, rating them not on how good they are but on the level of regret I feel immediately after scarfing down something that tastes so good and then immediately makes me feel so bad. My rating scale will be 1-5, 1 being little regret at all and 5 producing feelings of significant remorse and eagerness to repent.

My criteria include national chains that have drive-thrus, which I’ve experienced over the past couple of years.

The obvious starting point is McDonalds, and I have to include two categories for them. I’m actually a big fan of their breakfast offerings, namely the Egg McMuffin, which has always come through in a pinch with little regret, so I’ll give that a 1. On the other end of the spectrum is their Big Mac, which always seems to explode all over me and my car, along with a minor stomachache, increasing the regret meter all the way up to a 4.

Burger King has lost its luster completely for me, and I do believe I am not alone in that feeling as they are closing restaurants at a rapid pace. I’m going to regret Level 4 for them, as a recent experience with a Whopper had me regretting it before I even finished eating it. It was cold and disgusting. I really don’t care that they are flamed broiled — they just don’t do it for me anymore.

Wendy’s has always been a favorite as they seemed to do things just a little differently and had unique offerings like chili and a decent chicken sandwich. I still feel they put a bit more effort into their quality, and my good experiences have outweighed the bad, so I’m giving them a solid 2 on the regret meter.

And hey, Arby’s, yes, you do have the beef, the roast beef, that is, and I’ve always been a fan. One with Horsey Sauce and one with Arby’s Sauce, and I’m good to go. The whole “We Have the Beef” campaign is obnoxious, and I have no desire to try any of those offerings. That said, I don’t think I’ve ever felt regret after one of your simple roast beef sandwiches, so you are getting a rare no-regrets score of 1.

Oh, Taco Bell, yours is a complicated tale for me. We’ve had many forbidden late-night rendezvous in my youth when I was in much better shape to handle the aftereffects of such debauchery. Sorry to say my tastes in your category have been elevated over my last 20 years in Encinitas with the much better options available. That said, I do dabble in you still on rare occasions and if portion control is adhered to, my regret is somewhere in the middle. I’m going with a 3, as it can really go either way after a Taco Bell experience.

Kentucky Fried Chicken, or KFC as we all call it, can really hit the spot on occasion. Their chicken sandwich is solid, and I’m a huge fan of their coleslaw. It can be a salty experience, but I don’t think I’ve ever really regretted that much, and for that, I’m awarding a 2, minimal regrets here.

I’m mentioning Del Taco here for one reason, their fish tacos, and only when I am in Michigan and craving one. The are surprisingly solid and if eaten hot, while still in the parking lot, give great satisfaction and zero regret. In fact, they are quite satisfying.

It’s been a hot second since I’ve had Jack in the Box, but I am still greatly amused by their advertising. I’d have to put them in the category of McDonald’s or Burger King, although, as I recall, their tacos were not bad. I’m giving them a middle-of-the-road 3, as I think they could go either way.

I’ll wrap this up with a somewhat newly discovered Popeyes, and hot damn, I’m liking this place. As most of you probably know, their chicken sandwich pretty much sets the bar in that category, and for good reason: it’s really, really good. Give me a Popeye’s chicken sandwich and one of each of their tasty sides, including coleslaw, red beans and rice, and mashed potatoes, and I’m a happy camper. The only regret is the potential food coma from devouring one too many sides, so I’ll go easy on them with a 2.

My big question for all these fast food chains is why they can’t offer one or two healthy options on their menus. A black bean burger or chopped salad would seem to find an audience in certain markets. I’m sure their research indicates the general public is not ready for that, but hey, it’s a fun thought.

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