I’ve been flashing back a lot lately. When I was growing up, my parents gave all of us the same gift for our 18th birthday — luggage.
I was flashing back to when my daughters were 7. It was Christmas Eve, and I was trying to get them to bed so I could do my work. They started questioning me about Santa.
“We don’t have a fireplace, so how will Santa get into the house?”
I said, “He comes through the front door.”
“But what if the door is locked?”
I said, “I’ll leave it unlocked.”
“But what if you forget and lock it?”
I said, “I won’t forget.”
“But what if you do forget?”
I said, “I won’t forget, and if I do, Santa has magic keys that open every door.”
“But what if he forgets his keys? Then he would need to go back to the North Pole to get them. Christmas Eve will be over and it will be too late.”
I said, “He won’t forget and he won’t go back to the North Pole. He’ll come up through the toilet, so you had better watch where you sit! Now get to bed.”
I’ve been trying things I’ve never done before now that I’m older. I’m the only non-drinker in the family. I told my girls (who are now grown women), “Today I want to do something different in my life — I want to get drunk and be a complete pain in the butt.”
They looked at each other and one said, “She’s halfway there already.”
I don’t like tall men because they look down on me.
A special thanks to those of you who came to see me at the Comedy Store.
The greatest gifts to give and receive are love and kindness. HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
Jere Evans is a local comedian and comedy writer. She lives in Encinitas. Follow her on YouTube at @jereevanscomedy. Read more Instability columns here.
