Doorman Diaries

A royal waste of time

So, I was just wondering. Could any of you give a dook less about the royal wedding of a prince and another pretty girl who has been duped into thinking that blending her DNA with these particular British inbreds is a good idea? The fact that a monarchy still has a place in our “civilized” […]

Just like Vegas, but closer and classier

Just a relatively short drive up the 15 freeway and out of San Diego is a desert oasis brimming with sun, sand and gleaming pools just outside the reach of the dandy fancy of Southern California. No no, I’m not talking about Las Vegas. I won’t discuss that vapid whore until she recoups my cost […]

I’m too old for this

So I have to admit. I’m not a huge fan of surfing. Or skateboarding for that matter. Okay, before you dude-bro me to death, let me clarify that statement by saying that my body just isn’t made to do those things anymore. Tubes and rail slides? No thanks, I’d rather keep my ankles where they […]

False sense of sports prowess in video games

Wii need to have a talk. Since you’ve come into my life, I’ve had to make a few changes. I know you mentioned in passing that my health and well-being are important you, but I didn’t think you were going to actually test me on it. So, because of your influence, I strap on that […]

No spark with my electric mower

I think I have a bit of a problem. My other child has become wild, unruly and has shown an inability to play well with others. Plus it has crabgrass. I’m not sure at what point I lost my mind, but I think it was somewhere around the time I bought a home. With only […]

I’ve earned a Ph.D in pessimism

After years of work and patient diligence, I’ve finally earned my law degree. It takes a dedicated, clear-thinking individual to see through silly banalities and make strong, important decisions that benefit those around them. What? Law school? What the hell is a “law” school? No, no, no. I have a Murphy’s Law Degree. A JDM. […]

As seen on late-night TV

As a sophisticated connoisseur of late night television, I’m consistently bombarded by commercials touting the latest gadget or toy that screams “must have.” Most are fun and harmless and I have to make a concerted effort to hide my credit card from myself or I’d end up with a roomful of Snuggies, pajama jeans and […]

My vote is to just legalize it

Hey dingle, I have a question for you. Stoners, put your vaporizer down for minute. Or your bong. And your aluminum can and apple as well. I know you want to be taken seriously, but a white guy with dreadlocks just looks silly. Your hemp eyebrow ring is not helping matters either. Jesus, do you […]

I’m feeling celebrity overload

The Kardashian morons, Brad and Angelina, Ashton and Demi, and even those space cadet freaks Tom and Katie captivate our apathetic nation with every silly little mundane life task they accomplish. By some disconcerting quirk of fate, I’ve become a repository for all things celebrity. Maybe it has something to do with the persistent onslaught […]

Reflection on what I’m not grateful for

Since Christmas has gone bye bye, as you grip this little pressed pulp masterpiece in your latte-holding little hands, I wanted to say thanks for another fantastic year of listening to me blather Grinchfully about a slew of topics that only I find interesting. Alas, there are a few things for which I’m not always […]