The Coast News Group
Doorman Diaries

What would you do with $1 billion?

A billion dollars.
Can you imagine what kind of damage could be done with a billion dollars?
Actually you probably can. So can I.
The United States boasts a handful of those richy rich types who I can only assume light cigars with hundred dollar bills, walk around with a top hat and cane, and plot to take over the planet in increasingly sophisticated and illogical ways. Perhaps I’ve watched too many Bond movies and played too much Monopoly, but I digress.
I want to hear why you think one person, family or company should accrue financial resources that exceed a billion dollars. At the point of being hammer-to-the-skull redundant, what the hell will you ever need that much money for?
One argument is that those aren’t liquid assets. One can’t go to the ATM and withdraw those zeroes on a whim.
Well I can’t do that with my dwindling accounts either. But at what point is there too much wealth?
I believe it’s all relative to your situation.
In some parts of the world, one thousand U.S. dollars is akin to being “rich.”
In others, it’s a cringe with a hope that next week’s earnings will be better.
To be cliche and put it in perspective, here are a few things a billion dollars can buy:
(Side note — and I’m not joking — my Blackberry froze up when I tried to divide a billion by $18.89 and my dashboard calculator on my laptop only went up to 100 million.)
You could buy 52,938,062 copies of George Dubya’s memoirs or perhaps you’d be more interested in purchasing 50,025,013 shake weights for your closest chubby/gullible friends. Just to save up on gasoline, perhaps you should buy 43,860 brand new Priuses.
America’s billionaires are a fairly predictable group. Bill Gates from Microsoft and Larry Ellison from Oracle are the two uber-rich geeks that give hope to computer nerds across the planet. Then there’s Warren Buffet, the guy who missed his calling because I swear he looks like he should be teaching at Hogwarts Academy.
Of course you can’t forget all those leeches from the Walton family who each have billions of dollars because we can’t stop buying worthless crap from Wal-Mart. There are four Walton family members in the top 20 richest people in the world. Disgusted yet?
I guess it seems to be such a silly number to have on a financial statement. Who in their right mind ever needs more than half that number? And since when is having $500 million a necessity?
I’m here to call out all tea-baggers and pissy fiscal conservatives who think that striving toward financially insane amounts of wealth is healthy and competitive.
All satire aside, I would love to hear an intelligent response to any person, group, or company that needs to have a billion dollars on hand.
Let the roar of communisocialistic and “You hate our country!” come flowing in. You know where to reach me.