The Coast News Group
Doorman Diaries

As seen on late-night TV

As a sophisticated connoisseur of late night television, I’m consistently bombarded by commercials touting the latest gadget or toy that screams “must have.”
Most are fun and harmless and I have to make a concerted effort to hide my credit card from myself or I’d end up with a roomful of Snuggies, pajama jeans and Easy Feet shower scrubbers. They are little knickknacks that might be a fun gift to give because you already knew it was worthless and silly when you bought it.
Then there’s the occasional product that somehow makes its way past legal and ethical filters and finds an audience that isn’t skeptical and doesn’t assign a critical thought process to a seemingly innocuous Internet purchase.
When I saw the infomercial for the iRenew energy balancing bracelet, I kind of giggled a little and figured it would only be a few weeks before their company would be pounded into the ground by the FCC and consumer protection groups before being forced to refund their profits back to their customers for shilling a blatantly fraudulent item.
And yet I still see plastic pitch man Art Edmonds in a much-too-tight polo shirt telling me that if you buy his gussied up rubber friendship bracelet, you’ll have renewed strength, flexibility and oodles of energy. And it’s science. Buttloads of it. By buttloads, I mean none. No peer-reviewed scientific inquiry other than how gullible some people are and how badly they want to feel better despite the knowledge of how a placebo effect works.
They even have a medical doctor with a sound bite. How could they have all this evidence and convince a doctor to go along with their scam if it wasn’t a real magic bracelet that healed the sick and made you better looking? They even have professional athletes and celebrities who rave about the incredible qualities of their particular brand of plastic and rubber.
I’m sure it has nothing to do with getting paid.
Plus, seeing as how I was a baseball player in college, I know that we are the most superstitious collection of people I’ve ever seen. We’ve been known to rub pickle juice on our hands. Pickle juice. I had to tie my spikes a special way and approach the mound in a specific path so as not to anger the baseball gods. So maybe you can understand why a magic frequency bracelet isn’t a stretch for athletes.
I’m actually in the process of creating an item myself. To help heal and pursue a semblance of tranquility and overall happiness when it’s worn.
The BLLSHT (Balance, Light, Life, Sight, Health, Truckloadsofcash) necklace brought to you exclusively by Doorman Diaries Inc. It’s made from specially selected rocks and stones mined from various spiritual quarries in and around my backyard. They were measured and tested under the absolute strictest of procedures to ensure that the product you’re purchasing for $19.99 and two for $49.99 (plus $11.99 for shipping and handling … by monks and psychic healers) is going to enrich your life and punch your checking account square in the nads.
Operators are standing by…