Now I have the Ozempic neck. Why do I have it? I never took Ozempic. Sometimes life isn’t fair.
I looked up my ex-husband on Facebook. He has no friends. He told me we will always have to be associated with each other because we share kids and grandkids. He said we should do things together.
I said, “OK — let’s make a pact. Let’s kill ourselves. You go first.”
Last week, President Trump said, “The war in Iran will be over when I say it’s over.” I told my ex the same thing: “It’s over when I say it’s over!”
Most of us talk to ourselves only in our minds. For some unknown reason, I’ve started talking to myself out loud. I’ve gained back some of the weight I lost and want to lose it again.
I went to Walmart, stood by the frozen vegetables, and said, “OK, big butt — buy some vegetables.”
A woman standing next to me yelled, “Don’t you talk to me like that!”
My mom had 11 kids. She was a heavy drinker. When I grew up, I asked her, “Do you drink because you have 11 kids, or do you have 11 kids because you drink?”
I was feeling stressed and wished I could get something off my chest. Now my boobs are on my waist.
Be careful what you wish for.
My ex-husband was Catholic. I could never be Catholic. If you even think something bad, it’s a sin. If you’re already in trouble just for thinking it, then why not do it? My mind never stops — I could be on death row by dinner.
One of my daughters called her sister and said, “Mom picked up some guy on the street.”
I said, “No I didn’t. He was on the sidewalk.”
I like to get even with my girls. Hopefully, this won’t happen for years, but I told them, “I changed your diapers. I can’t wait until you have to change mine.”
Never forget how to laugh.
Jere Evans is a local comedian and comedy writer. She lives in Encinitas. Follow her on YouTube at @jereevanscomedy. Read more Instability columns here.
