Tom wrote: “Over my 40 year career I had witnessed multiple situations that appeared to be employees with ADHD. Decades ago it was not recognized and it was compounded with alcohol use. It would be wise for employers to spot ADHD and offer some type of treatment.”
Thank you, Tom.
You are not alone in that observation, and after years of coaching adults with ADHD, I can honestly say you are describing something many families, workplaces, and individuals have quietly witnessed: the deterioration of their family, friends and colleagues.
I have sat across from incredibly intelligent, creative, compassionate people who spent years believing they were somehow failing at life. In fact, many were trying harder than everyone around them just to keep up.
The experience of ADHD
To understand how to help, we first need to look at what these individuals are experiencing daily.
Many adults with ADHD are not trying to avoid responsibility. They are trying to figure out how to navigate a world that constantly asks them to organize, prioritize, regulate emotions, manage time, stay consistent, and follow through in ways that often do not naturally align with how their brain operates.
It can be confusing for everyone as they do “difficult” things really well and then they cannot do “simple” things if their life depends on it. Or sometimes they are hyper focused with super human abilities and other time days can pass without getting anything done. If this is difficult for you to understand, try being the person living with it.
Co-morbidity and alcohol as a coping mechanism
To ease that exhaustion, some turn to alcohol or substances to temporarily lower the friction. But over time, alcohol often intensifies the very struggles they were trying to escape such as emotional regulation, impulsivity, sleep, consistency, executive functioning and self-trust.
It’s also important to consider that ADHD rarely exists alone. Anxiety, depression, burnout, and substance use often appear alongside it. In many cases, treatment understandably focuses first on a person’s anxiety, addiction, or depression because those symptoms appear most urgent. But when the underlying ADHD remains unaddressed, many people continue fighting the same cycles underneath it all.
Actionable tool
Advice in these scenarios are difficult as with everything there is no one size fits all. And we cannot change or make growth for the other person. Trying to “help” can also be resisted. Even though we think we can save / help them. We can only work on how we show up as a friend / family colleague.
Emotionally we support them knowing they are doing their best with what they have at that moment. Even if it hurts. Even if we think the solution is “simple” and staring them in the face — “just do that”.
To be clear, ADHD is not a free pass to get away with not doing your work. That said, to support someone tactically to help them take action we can shift our focus and energy on what they are “failing” at to tasks, conversations, topics, interests and challenges that light them up.
Conclusion
Tough love, relentless pressure, or expecting sudden, magical transformations do nothing to close the gap between what an individual intends to do and what they actually achieve. The true challenge stems from executive dysfunction, a struggle that is only exacerbated by the weight of emotional noise.
By intentionally reducing that emotional friction and helping them reshape their relationship with taking action, we can provide far more meaningful support, ultimately rebuilding their momentum and setting them up for lasting success.
Everyone experiences their own seasons of struggle and success. Individuals with ADHD have immense value and so much to offer the world, and we get to choose our role: will we lift them up, or pull them down?
While we cannot fix other people, we can make space for them to feel heard, capable and valued as a first step for them to take the next step for themselves.
If you or someone you know is struggling with substance use or mental health challenges, free and confidential support is available 24/7:
* SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (Treatment referral and information service)
* 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 (For mental health, suicide, or substance use crises)
* Partnership to End Addiction: Text CONNECT to 55753 (Support for parents and family members navigating a loved one’s substance use)
We would love to hear your questions and experiences with ADHD. Please feel free to reach out to me directly if there are other situations you are navigating and need help with. I am always here to support you in finding ways forward.
Ian Wahlert is a certified ADHD coach with a decade of experience helping over 1,000 adults manage ADHD. He is a recognized speaker providing coaching both locally and worldwide. Email [email protected] to submit your questions and get answers in future columns. This content is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice.
