So apparently the apocalypse is upon us.
We have about two years to get our collective crap together and immerse ourselves in biblical prophecies, rumors and legends and brace for the frightening amount of violent death that we should expect sometime around December 2012.
We, as Americans, need to be the bright and shining beacon for Twenty Twin Six (TTS) preparation and planning for the rest of the planet. Since we’re smarter, better equipped and equally well-funded, I think it is our planetary duty to deal with this dastardly catastrophe.
Well, at least we think we’re smarter. That counts for something right?
First step is to realize exactly what type of calamity we’re dealing with. Space debris, volcanic disruption, tidal waves, or Bill O’Reilly and Ken Olbermann’s requisite romance (you heard it here first!).
Is this like the Tunguska event of 1908 that sent a scorched meteor across barren soil and flattened trees with an air burst equivalent to 15 megatons of TNT? Is this an extra-terrestrial situation that threatens to sear our earth and boil our ocean to a briny boil?
Or perhaps the planet has had a few too many Jager Bombs mixed with habanero-doused burritos. It’s time has come to vacate itself in the most detonatingly wondrous event since the Big Bang and in our vast arrogance we actually think we can make some type of geothermic change that will avert a blanket of glowing lava.
Global warming is always a leering, wide-eyed, lurking villain in this scenario but I’m hesitant to believe that because I hate hippies and environmentalists have an agenda just like those seething, vile conservatives.
Saving humanity should probably involve weaning down our skill sets and deciding which occupations are actually important when most of the planet and its population have gone the way of the dodo. Following are my thoughts on various occupations:
Lawyers and politicians: Dead. Seriously. Actually, we should do that now. I think it might be safer to extinguish a group of overeducated egotists who write the rules and then are compelled to be overcompensated because said rules are so plainly hard to understand.
Hey attorneys and politicos: Think about just how important your job would be if all the laws and rules were gone. Scary huh? Yeah, that’s how you make us feel.
Advertising executives and CEOs (aka businessmen): Your work here is no longer needed. Go dig a hole and jump in it. Unless you can function on your own with a Brooks Brothers card and an expense account at PF Chang’s, you should move on before we get hungry and you become soup.
Bartenders: Crowned as King of All the Land that’s fit to preside over. Always. Forever. What? Stop snickering.
Religion: Just go away. We get it, you really don’t have any skills other than to fleece the population through fear, intimidation and social pressure. You can have Utah. Go blather to each other. But we’re gonna fence you in just in case. Stay!
Engineers, physicians, nurses, architects, law enforcement, construction workers and those that have a basic clue about the world around them: Thank you. You are the people that actually make this planet a sound environment to live in. You serve an actual purpose and pose as an example to the rest of us.
Maybe we could just think about the people around us that do something positive with their life.
They’re right here, right now. Say thanks. I promise they’ll appreciate it. Even in 2012.
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