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The author as Uncle Sand. Illustration by Chris Ahrens
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Waterspot: Uncle Sand wants you

I am honored to accept the Blue Party’s 2020 nomination for President of the United States. While little is known of my candidacy, the following interview with famed British journalist, Sir Thomas Fing should help clarify my political stance.

Sir Fing: What qualifies you to be the President of the United States?

Uncle Sand:  I am the only male candidate who does not have his blood flow chocked off by shoes and a necktie. Since I am often barefooted, I literally have both feet on the ground most of the time. Other qualifications including holding a world record for the most surfers to ride one wave. I am also the undisputed godfather of surf jousting.

SF: Surf jousting?

U.S.: Think Roman gladiators on surfboards. It can be violent when reigning world champions like Justin Cote and runner up Jon Foreman face off against each other. Check out the Bro-Am this year, bro.  BTW, surf jousting is the fasted growing sport in the world and is slated for the 2040 Olympics to be held in a wave pool in Toad Suck Ferry, Arkansas.

S.F.: If you win the election, you’ll be the only surfer ever to preside over a major country.

U.S.: Not so. Many Hawaiian kings surfed. One of them was such a spoiled sport he roasted his rival in an oven after winning the competition. Speaking of Hawaii, Obama was the closest thing we’ve had to a surfer in our time. Trump tried surfing once, but he couldn’t stand the idea of going left. Former World Surfing Champion Fred Hemmings went right, but he never got further than the Hawaiian State Senate. I would consider him as VP but his contest record overshadows mine, which consists of handing Kelly Slater his contest jersey once and nearly beating Rob Machado in his uncle’s surf contest. Nepotism, you know.

S.F.: Who else are you considering as a running mate?

U.S.: Jon Foreman, Joyce Sisson, Donna Frye, Brad Gerlach and Eddie Vedder are all on the short list. Josh Hansen and his father, Don are also being looked at. Don would be my first choice if he weren’t busy as the lifetime mayor of Cardiff-by-the Sea.

S.F.: What is your campaign slogan?

U.S.: “Perfect surf is just a vote away!” It goes with my campaign promise to create a 400-yard point wave at George’s out of recycled plastic bottles.

S.F.: What is your foreign policy?

U.S.: Basically it’s the same as my domestic policy. Rather than bomb nations, we can put money into creating perfect surf in the Mideast and anywhere else with an active military and a coastline. Every retail employer will tell you that a surfed-out surfer is too happy and too tired to fight. The problem is they are often also too tired to work.

S.F.: How are you planning on financing your campaign?

U.S.: All of the local surf shops have offered to raise the price of surf wax by 50 cents a bar, and donate the cash to my campaign coffers. In the unlikely event that I lose, I’ll move to Cabo. So as to avoid scandal, please know that my moving would not be connected to the fortune way I’ll rake in from my campaign. To quote another politician, “I am not a crook!” Anyone interested in supporting my campaign can send their contributions to my campaign headquarters. Just to prove how fair I am, I’ll take your money even if you don’t surf. If you have no money, you’re still welcome to get on board.

1 comment

Michael E. DeGregorio February 14, 2020 at 7:28 am

Classic…got my vote !

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