Good morning, and welcome to the seasonal weather forecast. We go live to Helga Whistlescreech, a playground monitor at a local elementary school.
“Yes, Bob. With no help from groundhogs, teachers here have confirmed signs of an early arrival of spring. They’ve noticed a strong noise and motion front that has held steady since the sun came out last week. It was particularly strong Friday afternoon, subsiding slightly Monday morning. It has gained momentum, however, through the week.
“This phenomenon is primarily fed by solar energy and 12-year-old hormones. However, it gained additional strength when it encountered the clouds of Easter paraphernalia in the local grocery stores.
“We generally don’t get hit with this level of noise and motion storms until just before our spring break in late March. This seems to be fueled by the internal clocks of 5- to 12-year-olds.
“Accompanied by steady ultraviolet rays, if children spot a bag of jellybeans or get a whiff of chocolate bunnies, they begin to twitch and spin, emitting high-pitched shrieks. This additional psychic energy will set off an unavoidable alternative gravity pull that has been known to knock books off of desks and snatch the glasses right off a teacher’s face.
“According to third-grade teacher Babs Bookisser, ‘We could sense the Sunshine Syndrome long before we ever spotted it. If you watch your younger locals, their behavior will take a decisive shift that is an indisputable harbinger of the change of seasons.’
“Our real worry, Bob, is that these strong noise and motion fronts tend to separate into small clumps that eventually collide, causing partial disruption with scattered confrontations. The principal reports a high tidal flow of students into her office for a host of minor disciplinary issues.”
Thanks, Helga. This is a strong indicator of an expected buildup of punitive action.
From the blacktop areas, the school nurse reports a rash of skinned knees and elbows from ill-considered, spontaneous leaps for joy. Experts have also noticed a corresponding number of playground balls on the roof.
Schools and homes are on 24-hour alert because of the storm warnings, and agree that extra caution must be taken until the arrival of spring break. Parents are asked to keep the number of their pediatric orthopedic surgeon handy and to stock up on Band-Aids, Popsicles and ibuprofen.
Hard threats and soft restraints are recommended to counteract the strong pull of the sunshine on children during homework hours.
If all else fails, head for the basement. Not the kids. Just you and a pint of chocolate chip ice cream.
Jean Gillette is a freelance writer stopping to smell the seasons change. Contact her at [email protected].