Doorman Diaries

The real reason for the season

As our holy moly-ist holiday shows up in red slacks on a ramshackle wooden sled with feral flying beasts and a wispy white beard, I really thought it appropriate to throw a few words toward the menace, malice and majesty that is our mis-celebration of your lord and savior. Yes, a mis-celebration because even if […]

Airport screenings come down to safety

So, it’s comes to my attention that our Transportation Security Administration, or TSA for those with acronym deficiency syndrome, is in the business of taking weird blue pictures of our nether regions for freedom. Because that’s why the terrorists hate us. Our “freedom.” The TSA security professionals also freely grope us when we tell them […]

No trading this body in for newer model

Along with “Dancing with the Stars” (Bristol Palin … really?), getting old is definitely overrated. Fumbling towards my 36th year has led me to accept that we, as humans, are indeed not manufactured to last much longer than age 50 or so. My body, though not a pristine chapel of cardiocrunchhealthiness, has always served me […]

Beware of shiny, distracting objects

Dear Writer’s Block, Hello, how have you been? By that I mean you’re a jerk and I believe I’d like to kick you in the blocky ding ding.  I think it’s time you and I had a chat. After more than a few years of careful deliberation, I’m going to have to let you go. […]

Shooting suspect will get his day in court

Brendan O’Rourke, an extremist right wing Christian, allegedly climbed a fence and fired wildly into Kelly Elementary School on Oct. 8, 2010. He struck two young girls with through-and-through graze wounds. This means that the .357 rounds fired from O’Rourke’s Ruger passed through the tiny fragile arms of two young girls, whose only concern that […]

There’s a mythical monster in our midst

A tip has been thrown my direction from an astute Encinitas Paranormal Research Society member whose name rhymes with Penny Hunt. She mentioned pictorially that we are living side by side with a cryptozoological legend of mythic proportions. The boo-beast that captivates and frustrates on a daily basis. He is the be-all, end-all holy grail […]

What would you do with $1 billion?

A billion dollars. Can you imagine what kind of damage could be done with a billion dollars? Actually you probably can. So can I. The United States boasts a handful of those richy rich types who I can only assume light cigars with hundred dollar bills, walk around with a top hat and cane, and […]

I’m lucky to live in San Diego

I’m sure you’ve wondered where liquid libation experts go when the sun comes up. Well, actually we slink away to our shiny castles in the hills, and silently close our coffins to slumber away the day safe from the dangerous sun’s rays. We can’t be seen in public. We have a reputation to protect. Or […]

Pigskin, passion and Pop Warner

Are you ready for some football? No, not that flashy dundercrap on television every Sunday. Steroids and assault charges might be fun for tabloids, but the rest of us remember when professionals were just that. In the NFL, a paycheck is usually eschewed in favor of pride, class and respect. Just ask Junior Seau. I’m […]

The honest truth about slinging drinks

Sometimes decapitating Coronas and carefully tipping Jack Daniel’s into glass buckets isn’t quite as glamorous as it seems. As sad as it sounds, when I walk into a bar, I usually pat my back pocket on arrival, checking for my shiny, worn bottle opener. Every bartender’s bottle opener is the tool by which they conduct […]