The Coast News Group

Letters straight from the Doorman’s mailbag

I wanted to take this opportunity to answer a few of the e-mails that I have received. With the hundreds that pour in every week, I thought I should answer a least a few and assuage my torrid fan base.
OK, so actually I really don’t get that many. Apparently some of you think I’m worthless and it’s really starting to hurt my feelings. Do you want to see me cry? I’m not above it. But after that last Hallmark commercial, I promised myself I wouldn’t.
So, I’ll start by answering a few of the e-mails I’ve received lately to get the ball rolling.

Dear Doorman,
I think your colums are craapy and you really should just go back to the bar and stop whining about everything. Your obveously not a local, so go back to whereever your from and leave us alone kook. No one thinks your funny.
— LocalSD92024

Dear LocalSD92024,
Apparently you don’t have spell check on your Commodore 64, so I’ll try to speak as monosyllabically as I can. I’m happy to see that monkeys have taught you the alphabet, and that you’ve stopped flinging dookie at passersby. Your seventh-grade education is definitely paying off.
I really hope you can understand that you aren’t a local just because you’ve lived in Encinitas for a few years. That makes you a smooshbag from Nebraska that now lives by the beach. Though I am from San Diego, I don’t claim to be a local, little guy.
You’re not a Crip or a Blood, so don’t be so territorial. If you want to be that way, take a leak in your front yard to stake your claim.
Also, I don’t want you to be so upset about still living with your parents. It’s a good way to save money in a tough economy, and to buy all those fun inflatable dolls you like so much.
So keep taking those elocution lessons and don’t use the word “kook.” Anyone that does immediately sounds like an idiot.

Dear Doorman,
I think your column is one of the most impressive, hilarious pieces of journalism I’ve read in a really long time. I look forward to reading it every other Friday and I hope you continue with the fine literature that you seemingly produce effortlessly.
— SunsuburbCA

Dear SunsuburbCA,
Thanks Mom. Quit writing so much or the editors are going to know it’s you.

Dear Doorman Diaries,
You’re obviously a tree hugging hippy loser who loves helping the terrorists and supporting people that hate the country you live in. Obama is a baby killing Muslim. McCain is a maverick and Sarah Palin is a down to earth hockey mom that is just one of us. The sooner you accept that it is a CHRISTIAN nation and become one us, the sooner you’ll be accepted by the Lord and become a true American.
— F1504Life

Dear Brain Dead,
Wow, I don’t even know where to begin.
First off, yes, I’m an atheist. I think God is Santa for adults. Second, I wanted to say thanks for reading every single one of my columns in hopes of getting offended. While you sit at home watching Fox News, having Rush Limbaugh rant pointless propaganda into your ears, the rest of us actually read books and think for ourselves.
Just for the record, I’m neither Democrat nor Republican. I think Obama lacks experience, and McCain is old and scary. Palin is woefully inexperienced and reminds me of another dim-witted governor who waltzed his way into the oval office. Joe Biden speaks of himself in the third person. ’Nuff said.
Now you see why no one ever e-mails me. I answer crackpots and familial ego boosters in my failed attempt at popularity. So, please feel free to send your thoughts, ideas or comments my way.
My mother thanks you.