Doorman Diaries

An open letter to bar patrons

I’d like to take this opportunity to write an open letter to a few of the more colorful characters that I happen to see on a nightly basis. I may, or may not, be talking about you, so don’t come up to the bar asking if it’s you. If you have to ask, then it’s […]

An open letter to bar patrons

I’d like to take this opportunity to write an open letter to a few of the more colorful characters that I happen to see on a nightly basis. I may, or may not, be talking about you, so don’t come up to the bar asking if it’s you. If you have to ask, then it’s […]

Dream a little dream

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives. — William Dement   I have this recurring dream where I’m hardly wearing any clothing and for some reason I’m walking around in public. I try to come to grips with the fact that I’m only […]

Solutions to that little oil spill problem

Sometimes I fantasize about being hired by British Petroleum to help defend against the hippies, freaks and oil-slicked loon scrubbing chiba monkeys to provide a bit of support for a little company that’s just trying to earn a buck in this rough and tumble world economy. Someone has to defend the little guy, right? Well, […]

Words of wisdom for my daughter

As I awoke this morning to my daughter’s siren serenade of “Dadaaaa,” my tired smile turned to horror as I caught a whiff of what I thought had been month-old roadkill.  Alas, it was not.  With my daughter Samantha turning 2 recently, I thought I might share small bits of wisdom that I’ve gleaned over […]

Just horse-shoein’ around

As June peeks its gloomy head around the clouds and begins the blistering pace toward the August finale, I wanted to discuss a sport that is severely lacking national attention.  Or any attention for that matter.  Throwing horseshoes, or “pitching” to those privy to the appropriate lexicon, has been a Waterhouse extravaganza dating back to […]

With 2012 looming, let’s ditch the useless

So apparently the apocalypse is upon us.  We have about two years to get our collective crap together and immerse ourselves in biblical prophecies, rumors and legends and brace for the frightening amount of violent death that we should expect sometime around December 2012. We, as Americans, need to be the bright and shining beacon […]

The more I buy, the more I’m needing

Target and Costco. The yin and yang of commercial success. One caters to those in love with shiny little knickknacks and dorm furniture, while the other does well with those stocking the pantry for the impending good vs. evil Armageddon scenario that Hollywood and Faux News keeps regurgitating. For some reason, the second I walk […]

‘Who you gonna call?’ Well, me, of course

Let’s toast those ghosts! (Trademark pending, all rights reserved.) I decided to take matters into my own hands recently in an effort to protect the timid and terrified from the ghastly beasts that haunt our nightmares and whisper at us from the dark recesses of our homes.  It might have something to do with the […]

Maybe just one more drink…

We’ve all had one of those nights that started innocuously enough, just intending to have a few measly cocktails and chatter about topics of little consequence like sports or current travel. A Coors Light here, a jigger of Jager there and the path to obscured memories becomes clearer.  Yet we also know that these nocturnal […]