Doorman Diaries

And the pointless trophy goes to …

Since the only thing I even minutely enjoy about the Oscars is that it shares its name with tasty golden bread sticks, I thought I’d wax pathetic about the asinine, glad-handing, back-slapping “awards” show that smears its way through our cultural climate annually. Here is my breakdown of the Oscar nominees: “Avatar” Aahhahaha. I can’t […]

When the bartender cuts you off, take a hint

I saw this posting on a Web site about the bar I work at and remembered the situation immediately. So I felt compelled to respond to this particular patron, Mr. Crybaby Waa Waa. “I was very disappointed in your bartender — I don’t want to name him. He not only disrespected and embarrassed me in […]

Men deserve a special day, too

I’ve made my feelings abundantly clear about the most vile, smooshiest, downright saddest holiday known to man — Valentine’s Day.  I’m starting a new slogan: VD is BS.  Well, that might need some tweaking. But you get the gist. If you choose to practice that holiday, then you are most likely a man who’s been […]

Don’t look at me

Personal responsibility has become a languid punch line in a string of jokes that aren’t even funny anymore. You can’t read the news lately without a blurb about someone suing a company, person, or object with the pretext being that they’re looking “beyond” the compensatory awards and the punishment becomes a perverted form of social […]

I’m finding many rich Nigerian relatives

Dear Widowed Wife of a Really Rich Relative Who Planned Rather Poorly for His Untimely Demise,  Hello Ngobe! How are you? Oh right. Dead husband. So, probably not great. Moving on … Thank you for the generous offer of $7.4 million from a secret long lost relative that I didn’t even know existed! In Nigeria.  […]

New Year promises just a waste of time

New Year’s resolutions are a waste of time that only result in a less than 4 percent success rate (I made that up) and serve only to assuage the wishful into thinking that all will be forgiven and forgotten in the clean slate of January to come.  Unfortunately, reality is fickle and cares not about […]

HOAs make fixing fallen fence even more fun

The winds of change they are a blowin’ … down my back fence. Which therefore set into motion a flurry of events that to this day continues to baffle and bewilder my fragile and exceptionally simple brain. Lemme explain. During our most recent STORMWATCH 2009, the tan and spoiled denizens of Southern California had the […]

Christmas carols with the Doorman

(Sung to the tune of ‘Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire’) Chest bumps thumping near an open bar Jack shots spilling on your toes Stinky barking puppy tied up near the door A dingle frat smoosh with his bros Everybody knows a lighter and some 151 Help to light a room much too bright Tater […]

Celebrating the seven deadly sins

Thanksgiving has now passed, Tubby. You can put the turkey leg down and pretend like you’re only eating like this because “it’s the holidays” and “you’re just putting on your winter weight” and not actually “just developing diabetes” and “super-sizing yourself out of last years clothing. ” Piggy, please.  After Halloween, Thanksgiving is one of […]

I’ve got a bridge to sell you

Humans, the barely evolved cousin to the poo-tossing primates we call genetic kin, have become a gullible group of pathetic whiners, pointless consumers and fiscally self-serving sycophants. And we can’t seem to get enough of it.  Most everything you read, hear or see on TV is pushing a product that we have absolutely no need […]