By Regina McDuffie, Head of School, The Rhoades School
We are living in a polarized society where people can find it difficult to communicate with family, friends and co-workers. I sometimes feel that many of us have gone to our respective corners in the boxing ring with those who share the same beliefs and we have closed our hearts and minds to the experience and perspective of others.
And while we may find the cozy corners of the ring comfortable, we can’t stay there forever. What if, instead, we embraced some discomfort to better understand one another and to improve our relationships at home, at work, and at school?
But how do we better understand another person’s thinking? How do we actively listen for understanding? How do we model these behaviors for our children?
Here are three tips to facilitate active listening in your home:
1) Listening vs responding
It can be a natural tendency when we are engaged in a conversation to think about how we are going to respond or what we want to say about a topic rather than actively listen to the other person.
Maybe we have good intentions, we want to help solve the problem that the other person is sharing with us—this is especially true for parents and children. Parents feel the need to protect their children, so we want to jump in and solve the problem or what we think is the problem rather than putting our own personal experiences and judgements aside and actively listening.
However, without active listening we cannot get to mutual understanding and without mutual understanding we cannot have successful long-term relationships.
2) Paying attention
Active listeners are effective at reading both verbal and nonverbal cues, but they also make sure that they are reading those cues correctly.
For example, if you don’t really pay attention, you might mistake someone being angry when they are actually embarrassed. To avoid this, try repeating or summarizing what you heard the person say to demonstrate you are engaged in what they are saying, or try asking relevant questions to prompt them to keep talking. For example: “Did I understand this correctly: you are feeling angry because of…?” “What’s another way you might think about that?” or, “Can you explain what you meant by that?”
3) Reflecting and understanding
Active listeners are okay with wait time; they pause their brain and put their own thoughts aside to practice giving the other person their full attention. The objective is to understand what is being said beyond the words that are being spoken.
This is a very difficult skill that takes practice in order to silence your thoughts and put aside your judgements.
Active listening might take work, but it facilitates better and clearer understanding that builds stronger, more trusting relationships.
Ultimately, it helps children develop into more compassionate, empathetic, and communicative individuals who are able to gain deeper insight into the issues that surround them.
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