The Coast News Group
Doorman Diaries

An open letter to ‘green’ car owners

Dear Prius/Electric Car Owners and Hippies,
Thank you for doing your part to make the planet a better place. It’s nice to have a conscientious group of tree hugging tofu monkeys out there, willing to drive a hunk of poo so that the polar bears aren’t forced to cannibalize each other. But I feel it’s time we addressed your means of transportation.
Your car looks like a cross between a hot wheels and a toaster. It’s ugly. I’m sure you get looks from the ladies when you pull up to a red light, your pony tail whipping in the wind as you rev your engine, only to have your car make a sound like a robot getting excited.
It’s not like driving a car with batteries and gasoline is any safer for the driver either. A sardine can with flammable liquids and charged coiling plus a person behind the wheel with way too many grande soy macchiattos in their blood can only mean carmageddon … and even hippy blood spills red on the asphalt.
And not to bash hippies, but who doesn’t just love making fun of them? With their hacky sack circles, hemp necklaces, and their undying love of folksy double entendre bumper stickers.
Oh look, it says “co-exist,” in all different religious symbols on the back of your Prius. How … cute. And trust me, with your stinky closet full of Bush-hating T-shirts from Hot Topic, you’re sure to land that barista at the Daily Grind. You know, cause Starbucks is just soooo corporate and poopy.
What I’m saying is that we’re all very proud of you for choosing to drive a car that gets great gas mileage, but please don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back.
We get it. You’re a great eco-warrior, battling the world’s oppressive hold on our wallets, chaining us to the gas pump, raining down woe and destruction, kicking puppies, punching babies, blah blah blah.
If you could just do all of that over there in the slow lane, we’d all appreciate it.