New Year promises just a waste of time

New Year’s resolutions are a waste of time that only result in a less than 4 percent success rate (I made that up) and serve only to assuage the wishful into thinking that all will be forgiven and forgotten in the clean slate of January to come. 
Unfortunately, reality is fickle and cares not about your smoking habit or uncomfortable love of fried foods. She’s only there to embed the guilt and regret you’ll internalize when you polish off another box of Krappy Kreme’s mid-Marlboro puff. 
Which brings me to the topic at hand. As you hold this recycled page of newsprint in your shaking, clammy hands, you’ve no doubt made a resolution or two in a fit of hang-xiety (hangover-induced anxiety) driven delirium.
Let’s think back to how strongly you adhered to your 2008 .08 BAC-induced convictions. Speaking for myself, I’m going out on a limb and saying I comfortably sit at an 0.0 percent retention rate in terms of resolution adherence. 
Actually, I don’t even remember what I pledged last year. I’m sure it was some boring bull pucky about watching my weight, not drinking, and other trivial drivel I had no intent on following through with. 
Maybe we can point a finger in our own direction and guesstimate about a few resolutions in our own little city. 
Like the silly pointless machinations of our city council. How about all of you come to the realization that no one cares who’s the mayor of Encinitas? Thumb-wrestle it out and then have a few drinks because none of us really care about any of you self-aggrandizing gavel-pounders. 
Surfers, seriously. Shut up. We’re so tired of hearing about your barrel crushing exploits. You’re not being paid by a sponsor, so therefore it’s a hobby. Act like a hobbyist and only extol your boring stories to your mom and dad. We don’t care.
A resolution is a set parameter that you know you’ll never embrace because it’s against human nature. Stop putting such a stranglehold on your moral and physical well-being. Just try to be happy. Do what you think is right and then do it over again when you screw up. 
To err is human, correct? Well guess what? We are very human. Enjoy your life with a conscious attempt to improve your own personal human condition. 
As for me, I’ll resolve to one day turn my column in on time. Talk about wishful thinking.

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  1. maddawg/ochocinco says:

    Hang-xiety is hysterical.

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