SkyMall catalog full of things you never knew you wanted

When flying, I never pick up those Sky Mall magazines that are so handily placed for your enjoyment in the seat pocket in front of you. Today, however, on my way home from St. Louis, I made an exception. I had finished my book (something I rarely have time to do) and was left with no entertainment options. Desperate, I went rummaging through that pocket, thinking I would find the feature magazine. Sadly, there was no feature magazine and I was left with only the Sky Mall catalog for the next three hours.
This one seemed a bit bigger than I remember them to be and it was chocked full of extraneous gadgets for which I can’t imagine, in this economy, plunking down hard-earned money or an over-extended credit card. But hey, a girl can dream — or fantasize, as the case may be — so let me share some of the more choice items available to you via www.SkyMall.com. (Prices do not include shipping and handling.)
The Only Portable Microwave Oven — $299.95. This bright red little baby brings camping and car trips to a whole new level. Imagine cruising along in your car (it plugs into the DC outlet in a car or boat) and heating a frozen pizza (two minutes), making popcorn (six minutes) or re-heating that mocha latte that’s gone cold. If you didn’t have to make potty stops, you’d never have to leave your car.
The Zombie of Montclaire Moors Statue — $89.95. Spook your visitors by placing this life-sized, gray-tone resin sculpture that looks like a guy who is trying to claw his way out of the dirt in your garden or a planter box. Or for year-round exposure independent of the elements, the zombie also is suitable for a corner of the family room. The description claims you can almost hear him breathing — which your guests probably won’t be doing after they first see it.
Giant Cupcake Pan — $29.95. Let’s face it; cupcakes are cute but they are a pain to make. With this gadget, you can have your cupcake, but only have to make one. This invention is a two-section, cast aluminum, non-stick pan that produces an 8-inch high, 7-inch wide cupcake that can be divided into however many pieces you need. It can also be consumed completely by any one very hungry person who can handle a giant sugar-high.
ShapeUp Pads (“Add sexy curves without surgery.”) $19.95/set. OK, I’m sure I saw these advertised at the back of a comic book in 1959, and I’ll ask the same question that I did when I first saw them 50 years ago: Are there really women out there who are looking to double the size of their derrières? If so, they can order these pads, pop them in their panties and create curves instantly. The “reusable silicone adhesive” adapts to body temperature and molds to the skin. The catalog doesn’t say exactly what they are made of, but they look like synthetic foam. The catalog does promise, though, that these fanny falsies will stay put when dancing or exercising.
The Remote Controlled 100-Foot Water Cannon — $59.95. This clearly is a guy-thing — and the title pretty much says it all. The cannon part should be enough to appease any man-boy, but the remote makes it practically irresistible. I don’t want to skimp on details, though. The cannon has three nozzles (spray, mist and stream), the remote works from a distance of 30 feet (for sneak attacks, of course), and the barrel can be raised and lowered. The pleasure quotient of this device may equal or surpass the glorious pumpkin-launching catapult.
Marshmallow Shooter — $24.95. Same idea as above, but meant, perhaps, for the more gentle person who still likes to shoot things. This pump-action device has a range of up to 30 feet, and the “easy-to-fill” magazine holds 20 miniature marshmallows. But here’s the cool feature: an LED sight that projects a beam of red light (it’s safe, but don’t point at your local law enforcement officer) that locates your target and increases accuracy. And … parts are dishwasher safe. Hmmm, I may have to consider bending my rule about never ordering anything from the Sky Mall catalog.