The Coast News Group
Doorman Diaries

Mergers make strange bedfellows

Our economy’s in the crapper and there are some odd bedfellows playing footsie in our business sector. It’s usually a mishmash of brick and motor companies we know nothing of, promoting a product we care even less about.
For example, Fiat is merging with GM Europe. To which you reply, who? What’s a Fiat? Sounds like a flatbread sammich from Subway. Well, strangely enough, a Fiat does closely resemble a sandwich. With tires.
Then there are mergers that can truly shake the foundations of what corporate structure even means. I made the mistake of reading about the merger between Volkswagen and Porsche. Yes, that’s right … take that in. Polar opposites, joining together to put your butt in their velvety leather bucket seats.
One reeks of patchouli and old marijuana, driven to extremes while it limps around loudly on an engine with a quarter of a million miles. That’s roughly the mileage incurred on a trip to the moon — which speaks volumes about the cosmic mindset of those tie-dyed green-niks who scuttle their way to another anti-war protest on the esteemed chariot of Nazi technology. 
Then there’s the old joke about porcupines and Porsche owners — that porcupines have pricks on the outside. I speak only for myself when I say that when I see a Porsche on the road, the first thing I think is that the person (older guy with a need for acceptance, a toothbrush and hair plugs) who’s behind the wheel is just begging for attention and a reason to pass along a withered, sweaty business card to any unfortunate woman in his proximity.
So what companies are going to start their pre-merger spooning next? How about Starbucks and and Home Depot? So when you spend five bucks on a cup of coffee, you can receive a complimentary mallet and smash yourself in the skull to forget it ever happened. Or maybe Jack Daniel’s and Mother Against Drunk Driving could get together (I’m getting a clairvoyant message from my editor right now). Uh wait. What? I can’t say that? Oh come on, you know it’s not really a movement anymore. It’s a political action committee funded by guilt and crushing familial sadness.
Fine, I won’t say that MADD is completely misguided and run by militant harpies who don’t care about anything but pushing an agenda that has nothing to do with keeping people safe. Or maybe I just said it.
I guess opposites attract, right? Or does that really only apply in science classes and asinine romantic comedies? Either way, these multimillion dollar companies push together all the assets they’ve accumulated through us just to keep from having to admit that they’ve actually screwed up.
Until we pull the rip cord and drop these higher echelon executives from shaking hands, congealing their companies, and therefore maintaining their toxic lifestyles at the expense of every single person around them except themselves, this will continue to be our fault.

1 comment

brain collision May 29, 2009 at 5:45 pm

fyi– VW/Porsche have quite a history of working with each other:

pitcher of Newcastle please.

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