As I awoke this morning to my daughter’s siren serenade of “Dadaaaa,” my tired smile turned to horror as I caught a whiff of what I thought had been month-old roadkill.
Alas, it was not.
With my daughter Samantha turning 2 recently, I thought I might share small bits of wisdom that I’ve gleaned over the years that might help her out in her young little life.
Or she’ll most likely read this in 10 years and tell me I’m lame and should get a life. Yes, I’m sure of the latter … and I’m not sure I disagree.
Do as I say, not as I do.
Do not eat M&M’s with beef jerky with hot sauce for breakfast.
Do eat those disgusting Pop Tarts I put on your plate. Or jam them in your ear. I’m sure they have the same nutritional content either way.
Do continue to use the cute words that make me want to squish you into a pile of lavender smelling blond curls.
Do not mimic the words that Dad uses when he’s fixing just about anything around the house. It’s bad enough when you say the word “truck” in public and people glare at me like I’m the devil, so let’s not hone your ability to enunciate.
Do read every single book you can get your hands on. This includes the Bible because it’s funny, sad and scary at the same time.
Do not read tabloids. Fake boobs, money and shiny cars seem to be the sum total of what they’re pushing. It’s like Del Mar. Except in Del Mar, you don’t have to be literate to be successful.
Do watch as much Fox News as possible.
Do not stop laughing as you watch those silly sycophants try to make their silly doctrine make sense to anyone who’s under the age of 60.
Do pretend that children’s statue across from Leucadia Pizzeria isn’t frighteningly creepy.
Do not go near it. Ever. If you are the lunatic that designed that bronze monstrosity, go away. It’s awful and passersby cringe and wonder why you hate kids.
Do remember that going to college is an important right of passage and a logical step upon high school graduation.
Do not think that every person with a college degree is intelligent. It only means they stayed within a certain discipline and finished what they started. They are by no means smarter than anyone else.
Do go to bars and restaurants. Enjoy yourself and don’t forget that waiters, waitresses, servers, bartenders and hosts aren’t slaves to cater to your every whim. If you think that, you’re most likely brain dead and beyond help.
Do not forget that the waitstaff will kill you where you stand. Seriously, we will kill you. Know the rules and don’t be rude or your service will be nonexistent.
Do remember that your dad is and always will be vehemently overprotective.
Do not take everything he says as gospel. He’s scared and cautious when it comes to his daughter and just wants you to avoid all the problems had to deal with.
Fine. You can have beef jerky for breakfast. Just don’t tell Mom.
Filed Under: Doorman Diaries