Thanksgiving has now passed, Tubby.
You can put the turkey leg down and pretend like you’re only eating like this because “it’s the holidays” and “you’re just putting on your winter weight” and not actually “just developing diabetes” and “super-sizing yourself out of last years clothing. ”
After Halloween, Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because it revolves around a wonderful little invention called sin. Then again, so is every major holiday that I can think of.
The seven deadly sins are deftly represented in the days we choose to celebrate and delve into unabashed revelry of our dark side.
The sins will be noted with their initials. If you can’t figure out GL or GR, then put this newspaper down and go play on the yellow dotted line on the freeway.
Let’s explore this socially endorsed frivolity, in no particular order … except chronologically.
Thanksgiving (GL, S): Turkey day just screams gluttony and sloth. Some day the genius think tanks at Kraft or Butterball will just invent a intravenous gobbletastic dinner and we can then melt into gelatinous blobs on the couch watching the Detroit Lions get eviscerated like that tasty bird sitting spread turkey on the table next to you.
Black Friday (GR, E, A, GL, P): Yes ladies! Debilitating debt is only a few blocks away! Quickly and with pre-approved credit card in hand, run away from your families on Thanksgiving so you can buy buy buy their love and affection!
Christmas (GR, GL, E, P, possible icky L): The mother of all the pointless holidays. I’d say Christmas shows true signs of impending Armageddon. If there was a Jesus, he would probably turn the other cheek and vomit at what “His” birthday celebration has become. Greed, Anger, Gluttony, Pride, Envy and Lust if you count women with a beard fetish. Nothing says love and family tradition quite like children crying on the lap of a drunk mall Santa.
New Year’s (GL, L, A): DUIs and drug-induced delirium. What a wonderful way to embrace the new year, with a renewed sense of hope and the delight of a $10,000 fine and a seven year itch on your DMV record. There will be checkpoints. If you think you might be tipsy, you are. If you think you’re Elvis, you’re drunk. Take a cab.
Groundhog’s Day (huh?): This is a baffling observance. Other than a good Bill Murray movie and a way for people to misspell the word Punxatawny, I have no clue or use for a rat telling me about the weather. That’s what fat guys in checkered blazers are for.
Valentine’s Day (GR, GL, L, P): The dumbest of Hallmark holidays and yet we continue to pretend like Feb.14 means something. This “holiday” should mean something only to ad execs and cherubs with archery gear. Adults with half a brain should just laugh it off and buy her flowers for no reason. Trust me on this one.
St. Patrick’s Day (GL, P, L): This is another asinine holiday that really only pertains to people in Boston who drink green beer and then beat each other up, only to then cry, hug, and profess their undrying love and devotion to Tom Brady and Big Papi. Schmucks.
Women’s Equality Day (P): What? When the hell did this happen? Next thing you know they’ll want to vote.
Columbus Day (P, GL, GR): Celebrates the first European explorer to set foot on North American soil. Where he then murdered everyone he met.
So the next time you feel pressure from an ad pointing out how inadequate you are if you don’t hand over your rent money so that your family or loved ones will know how much they mean to you, let’s just start celebrating one holiday a year: Exterminate Advertising Executives Day. It’s every day.
Let’s start tomorrow.
Filed Under: Doorman Diaries